Spouse Worries About Husband’s Drinking – .

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Spouse Worries About Husband’s Drinking – .


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Dear Amy: I have been married for 45 years to a man who has a serious drinking problem.

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It wasn’t like that at first, but over the years his alcohol use evolved into alcoholism.

I tried to help her in every way that I know of. He went to rehab last winter, but didn’t follow through on the support he was offered.

Now he’s drinking again and while it’s not as bad as it used to be, he’s heading down this road again.

I want to leave him if he doesn’t stop drinking, but I’m afraid of what he will do if I leave.

To make matters worse, she was recently diagnosed with cancer.

What should I do?

– Concerned

Dear Worried: You may have to make a difficult choice between whether your husband will self-destruct in your absence or self-destruct in your presence.

What I’m trying to express is that you are not the answer to his existential question. You don’t have divine powers to save him.

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Your husband suffers from alcohol use disorders and – as with other serious medical conditions (for example his cancer) – in order for him to recover, he needs treatment and follow-up care.

If you want to continue helping her, it might be wiser for you to focus on her cancer diagnosis and treatment. Make sure his doctors know about his alcoholism. I suspect that alcohol could prove to be extremely toxic along with other drugs that may be prescribed for him for the treatment of cancer. Her team could prescribe a drug to help her stay off alcohol (several drugs are approved by the FDA to treat alcohol use disorders).

Sometimes ultimatums (“Stop drinking or I’m going”) work, but I think it might be more powerful and useful for you to make a choice based on your own needs and abilities – and therefore an alternative. would be for you to just walk away unconditionally while you focus on your own care. You can then continue to make choices about the relationship, based on your own judgment and non-negotiable elements, as well as their needs.

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And – as always – in the face of a loved one’s addiction disorder, Al-Anon could be a game-changer for you.

This is how Al-Anon defines detachment: “Separating yourself from the harmful effects of another person’s alcoholism can be a way of detaching yourself: it does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively. Visit Al-anon.org to find out more.

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Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I play tennis at a local park.

We disagree on how to handle the following: A man used the back fence of the field as a soccer practice goal. He aligned his shot and sent the ball into the fence directly behind where we were playing.

He did it over and over again as if we weren’t there.

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I wanted to talk to him. My boyfriend objected, stating that I need to be aware and sensitive to perception.

The man was Hispanic, while we were white. I would speak to anyone who has exhibited this type of intrusive behavior in our game, regardless of race / ethnicity, in a pleasant manner.

While my boyfriend won this one and I didn’t say anything, I’d like to know your opinion.

– The buttocks of tennis

Dear tramps: It seems obvious that in a public park a person has the right to use the fence around the tennis court as a safety net, certainly if there are no other options.

Should others around you behave calmly, as if you were in the final at Wimbledon?

Still, if someone behaves in a way that bothers you, you have the right to respectfully ask them to stop, regardless of their ethnicity.

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If you had, the footballer might have chosen to remind you that football is the most popular sport in the world for a reason and while your game of tennis may have bothered him, he chose to be tolerant.

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Dear Amy: In a response to the “Testy Traveler,” the traveler who was disturbed by their chatty seat mate on an airplane, my response to the chatty seat mates is, “I hope you don’t mind interrupting our conversation, but I have to rest my mind now. I close my eyes then and relax.

– Florida Reader

Dear reader: I like your polite and precise answer. I hope my own helpless neighbor will use it on me the next time I get on a plane.

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