My sisters and I used to complain every time my mom did something for us. My father once said four words that clicked and changed me forever: “Just say thank you. ”
sensational. It was a magical moment for me.
Not needing to prove to others that you are in control makes you more in control.
When my parents came to visit me, I learned to stop trying to control them and enjoyed everything they came to do. My dad flew across the country with his essential toolbox, and my mom also brought him things, including gloves! They loved it if I had plans for them in advance!Now that they can’t travel, I have memories of the plans and things they did around the house.I wish I could still call my parents to come over and enjoy their company while they had fun doing little projects!
Please note that refusing help is not proof of adulthood! People who love to give need people who are ready to receive. It’s a beautiful dance.
Dear blessings: It is kindness to let others show their love through “acts of service,” as long as they don’t also show their love through the underwear drawer.
Dear Amy: I think my husband may have a drinking problem, but I don’t know how to help him.
He’s a great father to our young toddlers and a devoted husband to me. But as soon as the children go to bed, he starts drinking beer. He drinks all night and I often wake up alone, to find him asleep in the basement on the floor.
He is never sick or angry. He does not “pass out”. It is in no way abusive or harmful to me, but this behavior seems unacceptable to me.
He tells me he is depressed and hates his job, but he feels it is his duty to take care of us, even though I am working.
I want him to feel like he can quit his job and make changes if he’s not satisfied, but he doesn’t seem willing to do it. I have asked him several times to speak to a counselor, but he will not.
I’m afraid my daughters will think this behavior is an acceptable coping mechanism as they get older. I am also concerned that it will negatively impact his health if he does not stop.
I don’t want to leave him, but I’m not sure I can take this any longer.
Lost, but still in love
Dear lost: The first thing you need to do is connect with an Al-Anon group (or other “friends and family” support group) to share your story, burdens, and questions with people who have taken this difficult path. .
One thing you might learn is that if you find your husband is passing out on the basement floor, you should leave him there (and not lead him to bed). Waking up alone in the basement could be a wake-up call for him.
He shares his feelings of depression with you. Unfortunately, alcohol is a depressant, which will make things worse for him. Obviously, his drinking is having a huge impact on your life at home, and I guess your little ones are already realizing their dad’s problem.
Yes, your husband should start a job search. His depression probably makes him feel paralyzed; his inertia could also be a red herring, giving him a “reason” to stay exactly where he is, in order to continue drinking.
It would not be wise for him to quit his job until he finds another job, as many hours at home could increase his drinking.
You have to take care of yourself and your children. If this situation is intolerable (I could imagine it), you should take whatever steps you can to temporarily part with him. You should not torment your family for its addiction, but on the contrary you should recognize your own powerlessness to force it to stop.
Dear Amy: “Sensitive or reasonable?” wondered if her 10 month relationship with her boyfriend was a good babysitter.
You wrote, “When a relationship really clicks, it feels like a happy forever, not a messy first draft. ”
I read this aloud to my wife, and we both loved it.
Dear happy: Well, I am a writer. I know a thing or two about messy early drafts.You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.