Instead, co-host Holly Willoughby presented the ITV program alone, with viewers learning that Phillip had called in sick.
Philip said, “I sat alone in the apartment, looking at the walls, as This Morning started on the other side of London.
“It was a very stupid thing to do… all of my closest friends knew how tattered my head was but no one except Steph knew why.”
Another day he had to hurry to leave halfway for a fashion item to get sick.
“I now knew I needed professional help,” he says.
The star, 58, shares how he found himself in an “extremely dark place” and was forced to take medication before making the courageous decision to tell the world he was gay.
In his new book, Life’s What You Make It, out today, he also recounts how his weight dropped as he struggled to come to terms with being gay.
Phillip finally revealed his sexuality to viewers on This Morning in February in a tearful joint interview with co-star Holly.
It followed a few heart-wrenching months, including a Christmas and New Years where he was “quietly sobbing in the dark” while watching the London fireworks on television.
He was in such turmoil that he survived on just two hours of sleep a night.
The star says, “It’s like being inside the darkest cloud and feeling consumed with overwhelming sadness and hopelessness. Nothing and no one can make things better. ”
His pain was such that he refused to eat, despite his wife’s desperate efforts to help him.
“My weight dropped,” he says, “and upon reaching 9 pounds 12 pounds, This Morning viewers started to notice it. I was getting tweets from people asking if I was sick.
He says his overarching feeling was enormous guilt towards his devoted wife Steph when he told her he had feelings for men.
But he insists, “I didn’t know I was gay when I married Steph. If I had, I wouldn’t have gotten married.
Phillip said there was no “specific day or time” when he realized he was gay, but had been “more and more aware” of it for about five years.
The presenter lashes out at those who accused her of “lying to her for 27 years,” adding, “When I finally found out, she did too.”
In the months leading up to the tearful moment on TV, Phillip says he couldn’t think of anything else.
As his co-workers came to work on a Monday morning and asked him how his weekend was, he was lying and saying everything was fine.
“The reality was that I would have looked silently into a fireplace watching the flames consume the logs and wishing they would devour me,” he said.
While taking prescription pills “removed the hard edges,” he says he knew he had to get out.
“Otherwise, the secret was going to give me a total breakdown … at best,” he said.
Steph, 56, reassured him that she would still love him “unconditionally”, as did his daughters Molly, 27, and Ruby, 24.
Phillip admits the moment he said to his children “almost made me sick”.
But he adds: “When things got really dark, [Steph] reminded me how much they all loved me and that there was nothing the four of us couldn’t stand.
Finally, the time had come to tell his friends he was gay – and he said neither of them had any suspicions.
Holly, however, knew something was going on and grew increasingly concerned about Phillip’s stressed behavior.
Several times, she had asked him if he was okay after feeling something was wrong.
Then came the day when Phillip finally had the courage to tell him about his torment.
“I asked him to come to my dressing room and told him everything,” he says. ” I
knew she would be amazing.
“She was much more than that.
After their conversation, they saw a white feather on the floor outside the locker room.
“She picked it up and gave it to me,” Phillip says. “You see,” she said. “Everything will be alright.” ”
He adds: “The feather is in my wallet.”
Phillip and his team then decided that now was the time to tell his fans, and he created a WhatsApp group called The Event with a select group of people.
He first wrote an emotional post on Instagram saying his sexuality had “become a problem in my head.”
He wrote: “With the strength and support of my wife and daughters, I have come to terms with the fact that I am gay.”
Minutes after the statement was released, he was interviewed by Holly on live television, saying he was inspired by the “brave” guests who appeared on the show and thought, “I must be this. no one.”
But before telling the world about it, he decided to tell a small circle of friends about it at 9 a.m. on the same day.
They included Phillip’s former CBBC co-star Andi Peters, who replied via text and asked if he was on the Michael McIntyre Show and if his message was the “Send to All” prank.
“I texted back and said no, it was real, and if it was ‘Send to all’ it was a pretty shitty joke,” he says.
Despite her exit, the star admits her sanity is “still a work in progress.”
He says he speaks to therapists regularly to try to understand feelings of guilt towards his family.
“I’m having trouble making my way through the debris,” he admits.
“Is there a way to reveal such a secret to the world and not hurt your wife or your family?”
* Life’s What You Make It, de Phillip Schofield, est maintenant disponible (Penguin Books)