For for a while, it looked like Strictly Come Dancing wouldn’t be happening this year. After all, the whole operation relies on such close physical proximity that it ends up deceiving almost all competitors about their spouses. How is it supposed to work in the age of Covid?
Nonetheless, the BBC managed to pull it off, with the 2020 Strictly Come Dancing lineup just revealed in its entirety. The series is a bit shorter than usual, with fewer competitors than expected, but that doesn’t change the fundamentals. Some candidates will be good and some will be absolutely terrible. Here is – as always – this year’s lineup, ranked from worst to best in terms of likely success.
Former American footballer Jason Bell is a man best known in the UK for fathering a daughter with Girls Aloud’s Nadine Coyle. He’ll almost certainly be the first contender to be knocked out of Strictly because he’s in possession of a darkness so dense that it defies science.
Ranvir Singh is a presenter of Good Morning Britain. It means two things. Firstly, Strictly is guaranteed to receive wall-to-wall breakfast coverage, thanks to Singh co-hosts Susanna Reid and Kate Garraway, endlessly reminding everyone of just how good and horrible they were, respectively. to dance when they were on the show. Second, it means we need to move the Doomsday clock slightly closer to when Piers Morgan inevitably does it Strictly. You are right to be afraid.
On paper, Clara Amfo has a lot to offer. She’s a Radio 1 DJ, so she’ll appeal to young people in a way that older contestants won’t. She’s not afraid to discuss bigger issues, which more than ever gives this year’s Strictly Come Dancing a burst of much-needed social relevance. Everything about her suggests that she will do well, what in the Upside Down world of Strictly means she might not do well?
Caroline Quentin is probably the closest thing to a national treasure in this year’s lineup. We probably have to thank Covid-19 for her inclusion, as she has a lot more free time now that the lockdown has prevented her from creating easily indistinguishable travel story programs.
Jamie Laing was originally scheduled to appear in last year’s series, until an injury ruled him out. So let me lazily paste what I wrote about her then: “There was a time when Strictly banned reality TV stars. But more, because here is Jamie Laing: a loose assemblage of teeth and flesh that only exists because some idiot thought Made in Chelsea would be a good idea. Hey, it’s still okay!
Hrvy sn nglsh sngr et tlvsn prsntr. Hrvy hts vwls s mch t mks hm sck.
The former Home Secretary must have seen Strictly, so she will know that the only way a former politician can survive on the show is to turn into an embarrassing parody of herself. It worked for Ann Widdecombe. It worked for Ed Balls. If Smith can find within herself to erase even the slightest trace of the dignity she has spent decades accumulating by wearing a sparkling suit to a dreadful novelty song, she could almost get halfway there.
Bailey is the riddle here. He doesn’t seem to be particularly good at dancing, mainly because he seems to have the smell of damp in the back of a second-hand record store. On the other hand, he’s charming and deeply musical. It will either be awesome or horrible, which is why I placed it somewhere in the middle.
JJ Chalmers is this year’s most inspiring contestant, having been injured in a bomb blast while a Navy in Afghanistan. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s more likely to win Strictly, but it does mean I’m a little more hesitant to be flippant about him on the internet.
Max George is a former member of the Wanted, which was a boyband some time ago. The last time a former Wanted member appeared on Strictly, he ended up winning it. Does that mean George will also win Strictly? No of course not. You don’t suddenly amass the magic of Strictly Winning Skills just because you’ve performed a song called Let’s Get Ugly before.
Maisie Smith is an EastEnders actress and tabloid favorite, primarily because she doesn’t wear a lot of clothes and was recently pictured smoking a joint. But if she’s so notorious, why am I putting her so high on the list? Easy. That’s because Maisie Smith is a woman of endless poise and grace, as evidenced by the time she played a karaoke version of Firestarter by the Prodigy on EastEnders as a child. Make her dance on Firestarter on Strictly and she’ll come home.
Not only is Nicola Adams everyone’s favorite gold medalist at the 2012 Olympics, but she’s also making history. When she appears on Strictly, she will be the first candidate to dance with a professional of the same sex. Moments after the announcement, former Strictly Pro James Jordan tweeted, “We have become a scared and embarrassing little country bowing to political correctness #fuckoffPCbrigade.” And, since Jordan is notoriously wrong about every thing that happens all over the world, I call Adams as the winner.