My husband and I asked her to reconsider her positions, but she doubled down (more than once) and asserted her right “as a white Christian” to say these things. My niece (16) said, “Eew. I would never be friends with a black person.
My brother told me that they would never apologize for their beliefs.
My husband and I are starting the journey to become foster parents. In our region, 62 percent of children in foster care are children of color. We told my parents that we had to cut off contact with my brother’s family. My mother urges me to let them “set the record straight”.I’m not comfortable forcing children of color to interact with them, knowing the kind of hatred they have in their hearts. I’m also not comfortable with them around white children we might host. My parents refuse to accept this so we are not talking to them now either.Do I have another chance for my brother’s family to explain? Even if they promise to stop saying these racist things publicly, how can I trust them to be nice to the colored children in my care? How can I have a relationship with my parents, even though I can’t have one with my brother?
Trying to do the right thing
Dear trying: Like all expectant parents, you want to “protect the children” from your environment to protect your child from physical or mental harm.
Just as your brother and his wife describe their world to their daughter, you will honestly describe your world to your child.
It seems pointless to try to force these people to give up their racist ideology. They show you who they are. Believe them.
You should not follow them on social media. You shouldn’t involve your mother. You don’t have to report a breakup – you can just make choices as you go.
Yes, you will naturally minimize the time you spend with them because they look horrible and you don’t like them (they don’t seem to like you either).
For many of us, however, the very definition of “family” is to occasionally share a space with loud mouths, racists, or people you just don’t like.
Over time, you can explain to your child why you don’t like them.
Relieve your mother of her desire for mediation; just tell him it’s not necessary.
Dear Amy: My girlfriend (living partner) is 22 years old. We have been living together for almost three years. During this time, however, she has kept close relationships with a number of other men whom she simply calls her “friends”.
She refuses to allow me to see her phone, keeps it locked when she’s not on it, and goes crazy if I look at her even when she’s on her phone.
Before the pandemic, she would go out drinking on Friday and / or Saturday nights with one of her male friends, leaving me alone at home. They usually ended up in another friend’s apartment.
She insists that everything is innocent, and maybe it’s on her part (am I naive?), But I can’t believe it’s still innocent.
If I ask her what she is doing, she gets angry and complains that I don’t respect her boundaries and am paranoid.
If all this doesn’t mean anything, why is it all being kept a secret?
Dear paranoid ?: There is paranoid, and then there is gaslighting. You live the latter.
Because your girlfriend is so big on limits, I think it would be a good idea for you to establish some. To begin with, she (or you) should move. She’s not interested in being in the kind of relationship you want to have.
Dear Amy: As a genealogist who values family histories, I do not agree with your advice to “half-sister” not to share some letters she has found. You ask, “What would it be for?”
See what a beautiful life “Barb” was offered by her adoptive parents because of her birth mother’s loving decision to adopt her. The letters are about real life and how people solve problems. Barb needs these letters.
Dear keeper of history, Many adoptees (and others) have let me know that they don’t agree with my advice: to offer this newly discovered half-sister only a revised selection of letters written between her two biological parents. I was wrong. Thanks everyone.You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.