All the gossip the Pope won’t hear from me

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Pope.
Photo: Corbis via Getty Images

Last week, during his weekly Sunday Angelus in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Francis walked away from his prepared remarks to address all haters and Chatty Cathys sowing discord in the ranks of the Vatican with their loose lips. Gossip, he says, is a “scourge worse than COVID.”

“Please brothers and sisters, let’s try not to chat,” he said. “Gossip is a worse scourge than COVID. Worst. Let’s make a big effort: no gossip! “

The devil, he added, is the “biggest talker”.

I’ve been thinking about what the Pope said for a while. At the end of the day, I don’t agree with him because I am someone who loves gossip and hates COVID. As a good Catholic, however, I agree to respect his wishes as long as I promise not to chat with him, in particular. In light of that, here is some gossip that I will NOT tell him, and if he asks you, you haven’t heard it from me. Amen.

• Samantha S. says her dog is a rescue, but I know for a fact that she got it from a breeder. And it’s good !! But don’t lie about it?

• This time in college, this guy Tim started dating this girl Diana, but it turns out that Tim had a distant girlfriend at another college, and neither of the girlfriends knew each other, then the distant girlfriend transferred to Tim’s college to be with him, and Tim had to tell her and Diana everything! Ah! It was such a mess.

• I know this person Alex who broke up with average coitus.

• Todd M. was Yates Hall’s freshman mystery pooper. I haven’t seen him do it myself but someone told me, and given all his vibe, it follows.

• Jenna K. said she was originally meant to be the girl My girl but that there was a “scheduling conflict” at the last minute, so they chose Anna Chlumsky instead. But that doesn’t even make sense because Jenna K. was 5 when they filmed My girl.

• Mel R.’s accent is wrong …

• I once saw John Malkovich in a luxury hat store in Vienna. It’s not technically gossip, I guess. Just a fun fact.

Either way, PLEASE don’t say anything to the Pope, he doesn’t want to hear it. May peace be with you.

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