Soon in the relationship, the question of my weight came up, and he said, “I only date models. I like women who are 6 feet tall and thin. He said he was not sexually attracted to me. I am 6 feet tall, but a size 12.
I really tried and lost a few pounds. We’ve been living together for almost a year. Six weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant. It’s a miracle, considering we only have sex once a month.
Now he says he’s depressed and unhappy with me and my weight, and he can’t go on for another 50 years in a sexless marriage. It has done unimaginable harm. He says I’m dirty and disgusting and can’t raise a child.
I’m so afraid. Now I am pregnant and I don’t know what to do. Do I go and go back to my parents? I have a good job and I could get by.What troubles me is that after having said all of this, he will then say, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to break up and be the bad guy. I feel so confused. I really care about him. I don’t even know what is normal anymore.
Dear scared: You say you don’t know what’s normal anymore, so I’ll tell you. “Tony” is an abusive jerk. His behavior will get worse – perhaps much worse – over time.
Your main job in life now is to take care of yourself and your unborn child. If you have to move in with your parents until you can establish yourself as a single mom, you should.
I know it is very difficult, but you can do it. Friends and family will help you and you will regain your self-esteem once you are away from this toxic person.
Dear Amy: I have been friends with another woman since college. We are both middle aged and married (to men).
When I first met her husband (years ago), I had the immediate feeling that he might be gay or bisexual. There’s no big deal, of course, but it’s the way he talked to the other men at the restaurant table and a moment of flirting with the waiter that got me thinking.
I assumed it was just a hunch and, frankly, none of my business. That said, the more my friend started to discuss her relationship, the more I was convinced that he could lean in that direction. Worse yet, she seemed to deny about it, but again – none of my business.
We often get together as a couple and the flirtatious behavior is the same.
He has one male friend in particular who he spends a lot of time with, and he once got mad at my friend for arriving home unexpectedly during their stay. He even asked her to stay out of sight while the friend was there because it was “awkward” for her to be in their space (it’s her home!).
She seems quite bitter. When she tells me these things, I roll my eyes and we sympathize with married life. Meanwhile, I scream inside.
What should I do if necessary?
Cher Stumped: I often say in this space that “good friends tell each other the truth”, and yet in this situation I keep coming back to your repeated observation that this man’s sexuality is none of your business. It really is not!
Complaining about your husbands can be helpful in the moment, but in my close observation over the years, I’ve noticed that the people I know in what I would call “mature”, stable relationships don’t really do. that. I don’t think it’s because their relationships are universally happier, but they mostly understood that complaining about their partner invites unbalanced judgment.
That said, if your friend asked you outright: “What do you think is going on with Frédéric?” He doesn’t seem interested in me… ”you might answer,“ Have you ever talked about his sexuality? He always struck me as being more sexually fluid than you.
Dear Amy: “Disappointed wife” is married to a man whose behavior during the pandemic put her in danger. I was surprised that you suggested that he consider moving. I agree with you, but I was surprised that you suggested it.
Also at risk
Expensive at risk: This pandemic has created life and death dilemmas.You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.