‘Confinement? That’s fine with you, sir! The characters of Fast Show on the Covid era | TV and radio



div itemprop=”articleBody” data-test-id=”article-review-body”> isIt has been 26 years since The Fast Show first aired. Originally launched between 1994 and 1997, the sex-crazed car showman and innuendo-crazed tailors might not find their way onto television today. But that didn’t stop Charlie Higson, Paul Whitehouse, Simon Day, Arabella Weir, John Thomson and Mark Williams from coming together for a special one-year silver anniversary filled with ‘unacceptable’ 90s humor. We have met the show’s most beloved characters to see how they cope with the modern world.

“Enjoy the ride”… Charlie Higson as Swiss Toni. Photograph: UKTV / Adam Lawrence

Switzerland Toni

Hi, Switzerland. How is being 26 years old a lot like having sex with a beautiful woman?
For me, being 26 was like having sex with a beautiful woman – because I spent the day having sex with a beautiful woman. In fact, since it was my birthday, I had sex with three women… and what turned out to be a goat with a hat.

After #MeToo, is it still politically correct to attract women with the promise of fine wines, Belgian chocolates and the virile smell of a pipe?
What is the alternative? A face mask, compostable bags and a scented candle? Anyway, I am opposed to the term “decoy”, I prefer “tribunal”. The court is a dying art. These days, just swipe left, swipe right, in the bubble!

How to travel by public transporte adhering to social distancing guidelines during a global pandemic are a lot like having sex with a beautiful woman?
I have absolutely no idea. I have never used public transport. I am a driver and always will be. To get me on a bus, they’ll have to take the wheel with my cold, dead hands. But I saw people use a bus on TV. It sounds simple enough, even if you stick to government guidelines. In fact, I would go so far as to say it’s like having sex with a beautiful woman. First, consider entering through the less used rear entrance. The main entrance usually sees more traffic and can be a honey trap for germs. At the entrance, don’t forget to smile with your eyes no matter what you really think because they won’t be able to see you behind your mask. So just enjoy the ride. When you get off, wash your hands and sanitize your PPE – your personal hose end.

Ron Manager

“Pandemonium isn’t it? Is not it? … Paul Whitehouse as Ron Manager. Photograph: UKTV / Adam Lawrence

The Euros, the Olympics and Wimbledon are all gone! How are you, Ron?
Oh, isn’t it, football? Hmm? Football association – football experience? The hissed chants of racial abuse, the empty stadiums (notice how I used the correct term for the plural of stadium there?), Sad, isn’t it? If a defender is muscular in a forest without a crowd to cheer, does that make noise? Or something. But we will fight this virus, we are British after all, and unlike every other country in the world, we will not give in. We will fight them on the beaches. While I don’t think Churchill meant we should fight on the beaches like our guys do in Wales and Bournemouth – kick each other in their ba (notice how I used the correct term for the plural of bum there?).

Oh yes. This pandemic. Pandemonium is not it? Is not it? Like the shadow of Hitler’s jackboot that is making its way through Europe. It was the last time football was canceled. Little boys, on the beach, rotten seagulls covered in oil for the goal posts. Is not it? Is not it? And, frankly, I don’t care about tennis.

“I have Brexited all over the place”… Paul Whitehouse as Rowley Birkin QC.

“I have Brexited all over the place”… Paul Whitehouse as Rowley Birkin QC. Photograph: UKTV / Adam Lawrence

Rowley Birkin QC

Have you ever had an infectious disease?
COVID! Aaaaaaargh! 🧦 😷 💄 🏂🏼 🐊 I have had almost every disease known to mankind ☠️ 🍄 🐩 🍟 🎺. I believe it was in Rio de Janeiro, or Dar Es Salaam, or was it Kettering…? Anyway, 🤧 🎉 🐌 🚀 🛁 I had running sores all the way down my thigh and the back of my head 💣 💋 🦆👙 🐳. Extremely high temperature – the highest ever recorded for a human 🌋 😓 👻 ☔️ 🌶. I remember the beautiful painted floors… 🌲 🌈 🍼 🎯 💰 third on the throne 👑 🎲 🔮 🛒 🚽… I was cared for by a beautiful Mayan woman. Interesting people, the Mayans – did you know they played the world’s first team sport ?! With a brain 🧠 😳 ☎️ 🏉 🗑️… forbidden to use his head, hands or feet! 👋🏼 😻 👀 🎩 💪🏻 Ref offside… 🤞🏻🤦‍♀️ 🐲 🌊 🦀 I got sicker and sicker and sicker and sicker and sicker 🐖 🤓 🐚 🐒 👵 and sicker… 😎 🦔 🍔 🕷 🥕 carpet 🤮 🧀 🍦 🏌️‍♂️ 🥊. I was quarantined for rabies, Ebola, Lassa fever and foxtrot. 🙄 🦍 🌴 🎃 👾 Tintin Quarantino. 🤪 🦉 🐭 😾 ☝️ And the result was so far that I still can not. 😬 🦑 🐓 🍰 🥜. Is everything alright? My grandchildren tell me that I have to keep up with the modern world and use emojis. They showed me how, but I’m afraid I am very drunk.

Dave Angel

“We are stung by jellyfish”… Simon Day as Dave Angel.

“We are stung by jellyfish”… Simon Day as Dave Angel. Photograph: UKTV / Adam Lawrence

So, Dave, how are you coping with the virus?
We have to follow and trace. If you show signs of Covid, go home and turn on the snooker, time will pass quickly. For me, putting on a mask brought me straight back to a post office sub-office in Wicklow, Essex. Happy days, no one was hurt and the insurance paid.

Has the lockdown been good or bad for the planet?
Unfortunately, there has been a massive increase in single-use plastic, which is unnecessary and dangerous for the old globe. The turtles were strangled just so you could get a small bottle of fake spring water from a sewage treatment plant in Dagenham. And now we’re stung by jellyfish. Take down the money and carry and take a barrel of water. Better yet, drink tap water! The planet has benefited from a cos break from Covid but we need a permanent one. Back to nudity and barter seriously.

“Are you wearing a mask, sir?” Do you?’ … Paul Whitehouse and Mark Williams as Ken and Kenneth. Photograph: UKTV / Adam Lawrence

It will suit you

How did your tailor’s shop deal with the foreclosure crisis?
Confinement? Ooh, that’s fine with you, sir. Locked up right away sir. In a dungeon… Ooooh. Our store has reopened, but everything has changed. You must wear a mask.

Ken: Are you wearing a mask, sir? Do you? Does it add a bit of spice to your life?

Kenneth: Ooh. Do you ask your wife to wear a mask and pretend she’s someone else, sir – one of the Kardashians, maybe, or even Kanye West? We’re all fluid in this modern world, aren’t we, sir, or madam, or non-binary person… I’m not picky. I like the 227 sexes. You can use any pronoun you want with me. Ooh, that’s fine with you.

People are buying less locked out clothes. Isn’t fashion bad for the planet anyway?
Well, body shapes are changing sir. And we have to take that into account. Now big booty is all the rage.

Kenneth: Do you like big booty, sir? Lycra effort, showing every outline known to mankind, like a 3D map of the moons of Jupiter. Ooh, that’s fine with you! Sorry, what was the question again?


Isn’t the royal family brilliant? They only have four different names, Edward, George, Henry and George again. Oh yes, and Charles, but he’s never going to be king, not while Olivia Colman is on the throne. What is amazing about the British Royal Family is that they are not British at all. First they were Normans, who were kind of French with funny helmets, then they were Scottish, then they were Dutch, then they were German, and then they became British, just in time for WWII. Which was convenient, as it could have been confusing and we would have been at war with ourselves. And I think they’re probably still a little confused, which is why Harry dressed up with all the swastikas and that. Either way, she forgave him, Meghan Sparkle, and now they live in Los Angeles, which is in Hollywood. Aren’t movies great? Except those who aren’t, who are most of them … Isn’t Prince Philip fantastic? He’s 325 years old and he’s not dead yet, roughly the same age as Dracula … although some people think Prince Philip died years ago and was replaced by a robot or an alien or something. thing like that. I would like to be replaced by an alien. Aren’t aliens fantastic? Nothing ever happens here. Especially since the lockdown. Except when we go to illegal raves in the park, take some hippy crack and fight. Isn’t hippy crack great? It’s like a drug that you can also use to whip cream. Brilliaaaaant!

The Fast Show: Just a Load of Blooming Catchphrases is on Gold le 29 août. © 2020 Charlie Higson, Paul Whitehouse, Simon Day.


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