My son shares custody with his ex. The mother feels that she is doing what is right for him and argues with any other suggestion.
My grandson saw a court-appointed therapist to make a decision on his gender issues because when he is with my son or with us, he immediately changes his clothes and gets angry if someone sees him wearing clothes of girl.
We told him that if he didn’t want to wear daughter’s clothes for his mother, he had to tell her.
He says he wants to wear girlish clothes, but his actions say otherwise. The mother told us not to cut her hair – and the lawyers advise us to go with her. But his hair is out of control – he has to lift it or keep it out of his eyes. He said he asked his mother to have it cut, but with COVID-19, she couldn’t do it. Now his mother says we are pressing him to cut it.
Should we have him filmed asking / saying he wants to cut it? Should we take it to cut it? Or should we just hope she will take it?
Yes, we would like to see his short hair, but at this point, we just want him to be able to see and not have to hold it back.
What should we do?
Dear Gamma: You have to open your arms and love this child without forcing him (I use the gender-neutral pronoun) to make him different from what he is already. While you are with you, let the child choose and wear whatever clothes they want to wear that day.
Do not ask loaded questions, do not insist on this child about his clothes, hair or anything else. DO NOT interview them or interview them in front of the camera. Just be a grandparent, for the love of God. No child has ever needed more loving, neutral and accepting grandparents than this child. So take on this role and be it.
If your grandchild’s hair falls into their eyes, offer to choose a hat, headband, “darling”, hair clips or anything else they might want to use to hold the hair. . And if the child doesn’t want to use any of these things, it should be fine too. DO NOT cut the child’s hair.
The father should be responsible for navigating the “official” aspects of this situation with his ex, including all answers to gender / clothing / hair issues.
Things are bad enough for your grandchild that the court has appointed a therapist to intervene. All adults in this child should meet with the therapist and follow the suggested guidelines.
Dear Amy: My wife and I have good friends whom we see quite often.
Over the years, we have noticed that “John” tends to want to control “Laura”.
He will answer her questions when she is clearly asked directly about a personal experience. He sometimes seems to be disrespectful when she expresses her opinion.
My wife recently texted Laura and the answer came from John. We always suspected that he was reading his texts, but he actually answered for her, referring to her in the answer!
We checked that she had the correct Laura number and it was not a group text. Should we respect their relationship choices to share everything? Do we say nothing?
My wife and I are ready to risk the consequence of the potential loss of friendship because, frankly, we are scared.
Can you help me?
Dear Creeped: Your wife should respond naturally and honestly, “John? Do you read the texts of “Laura”? And you answer for her? Is she alright In the future, I would prefer that if I contact her, I hear about her. ”
Dear Amy: “Frustrated mom” provided another example of parents who had adult children moved in without paying rent or doing household chores in the house.
I bet most of these parents never broached the subject in the first place. Believing that adulthood will bring ripe thought with it from our offspring begs to be disappointed.
For what it’s worth
Dear Worth: YES!