No overhaul (or smaller teeth) can fix Sonic The Hedgehog

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His eyes are bigger, his fur is smoother, and thank God, his teeth are no longer so disturbing… Human. Yes, the version of Sonic The Hedgehog that hits theaters in a few hours is much less unpleasant to watch than the one that was released to great ridicule last year, when the first trailer for his first abandoned big screen adventure. After the redesign, except on Twitter's command, you could even call the cute little blue guy, in a plush way. Then he opens his mouth, and you may wish that those dreadful teeth are still there, if only to distract lazy whistles, references to pop culture, and heartfelt cliches flocking. Sonic's first line of dialogue? "I know what you are thinking," said the voice-over and sprawled at the height of a climax freeze. Yes, it’s that kind of film: a "family" comedy chore that feels written by a committee and directed by an indifferent machine.

They also transformed Sonic's personality, to the extent that the rodent in running shoes has never had one. He certainly had a lot of nerve, transmitted through the wag of a splash screen. Born at the height of the 16-bit console wars, Sega's response to Mario was fundamentally an emblem of the attitude of 90s kids: cool but rude like Raphael of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, spiky spiky like Bart Simpson, an animal mascot in need of speed X Games. It's not really the vibe of this big screen Sonic. As Ben Schwartz, who played Jean-Ralphio on Parks and recreation, he's more of a brave dreamer who just wants to make friends. It's not that easy for the guy, however, partly because he's as hyperactive as annoying a child who has just devoured three bowls of sweet cereal. Oh, and there's also the fact that this version of Sonic is coming from outer space and therefore needs to stay low, lest someone try to capture it and exploit its super speed.

After a childhood spent traveling the galaxy, Sonic settled in the picturesque town of Green Hills, Montana. You would think that such a poky place would be torture for someone who can move faster than the speed of sound. But no, Sonic loves Green Hills so much that it is essentially a one-man tourist office (one pig?). Really, the whole film plays like propaganda for the virtues of life in small towns. Agent Tom Wachowski (James Marsden), a local cop whose only flaw is that he plans to move to San Francisco, where he could solve real crimes instead of shooting cats, shares the role of protagonist with this digital cheerleader. out of the trees. There's also the villainous, haughty scientist and drone commander, Dr. Robotnik, played by Jim Carrey with a slightly less outrageous mustache than the one the character sports in games. Robotnik considers himself superior to everyone, but he is particularly condescending to the honest and simple people of Green Hills. "True Americans," consider yourself relentlessly.

Photo: Paramount Pictures

It’s an electrical disturbance caused by the speed of our hero that puts him on the radar of the US Army. Following a series of intrigue complications that do not deserve to be told in detail, Sonic blames Agent Wachowski on a road trip to San Fran, Robotnik and his gadgets chasing him. Why does someone who can cross the country on foot in a few minutes perhaps need a ride? Well, he doesn't know where he's going, the script of Patrick Casey and Josh Miller half rationalizes. Although Marsden has heated a heinous CGI animal companion before (see: Jump-or in fact, no), there is almost no chemistry with this special speaking effect. This could be due to the fact that Sonic, theoretically sympathetic to his extraterrestrial-orphan background, is in fact a kind of selfish sting - when he doesn't start fighting for the bar just for experience, he wears a total judgment on the professional aspirations of his new companion. At best, Tom seems to reluctantly tolerate the hedgehog, which could be more than many parents in the audience can handle. (For genuine though unintentional laughter, they'll have to settle for blatant product placement, including a remarkable Zillow plug to realistically estimate Bay Area rental rates.)

You could call Sonic the hedgehog an aspirant AND., except that it might require imagining a version of Steven Spielberg's classic where alien silk makes bad jokes about Uber and lectures Elliot about not appreciating what he already has. The film does not even exceed the bottom bar of your average adaptation to a video game: last summer Detective Pikachu was ugly too, but it was at least a gimcrack show in the spirit of its original material. On the other hand, this project in creative bankruptcy dissociates its main character from both speed and tropical decorations in a loop Sonic games, dropping it off in drab truck stops, suburban kitchens, and the passenger seat of a car along any highway. Even the weak bursts of action are without particularity; the best director Jeff Fowler can offer is a small imitation of "Time In A Bottle" by X-Men: Days of Future Past. Only Carrey, half engaged in a crazy mad shtick recycled, threatens a rocket Sonic the hedgehog out of his kid-flick walking junkyard. You almost want to take root for Robotnik, in an enemy-of-my-enemy-is-my-friend way. That is, if the bad guy wins, the good guy closes.

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